"Bloody"

My period was late. Just being newly married I didn't care. We had planned on waiting at least a few months before starting a family but if it happened, we'd be okay with that too. I was ready to be a mom, my husband was a little more nervous. He comes from a small family and besides a little bit of practice with nephews and nieces, his background in babies started and ended with tools and engines. After being 5 days late, I couldn't wait any longer and took a home pregnancy test. Negative. No big deal, we weren't trying anyways so must just be late from all the changes going on. A week later my period still hadn't arrived and I just had this feeling. Took another pregnancy test and still, Negative.


I was now about 2 weeks late. Was I reading the test wrong? Nope. But just incase I went and got the pregnancy test that gives you a "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" on the little screen. Reading the instructions again it says to get the best results, test in the morning. So wait until the following morning. Phew my bladder is full. Race to the bathroom, cross legs and bouncy a little, open package, uncross legs, pee on stick, wait 2 minutes. Is our life about to change forever? Am I going to be a mom, is my husband going to be a daddy? After what felt like 2 hours instead of 2 minutes, I look at the home pregnancy test. Pregnant...My heart starts pounding, I hear roaring noises in my ears. This is really happening!! After about 30 minutes of disbelief, my husband and I come to terms with yes we are going to be parents! We are parents!!


Now looking back, I knew something was wrong. I didn't "feel" pregnant even though I didn't even know what pregnant was supposed to feel like. I told a very good and close friend right away because I was so excited, I had to share this exciting news with someone! But when I told her I remember telling her that even if for some reason we had a miscarriage, this baby, this child would still be our first and we would be parents no matter what.


Right away we started making plans. Which hospital would we go to, which doctor or midwife would delivery our baby, where would the baby sleep in our small rental house?


I call my husband to come home early for dinner, something is wrong. We found out I was pregnant on a Friday and by the next week Tuesday, I started feeling crampy. Reading on the internet, yes some cramping is normal. Phew okay well that answers that question. I start feeling more cramping, it's getting worse. Telling myself to not panic, I go to the bathroom. Using some toilet paper, I wipe and look down...blood. Lots of blood. I dropped to my knees in shock. This can't be happening! My mom never had any miscarriages so why am I? What did I do? Why is this happening? He comes home to find me laying on the bed, crying, willing my body to stop betraying me. I think, maybe if I just lay really still on my back, everything will be okay. Maybe the blood will stop coming. I think, I can lay like this for 9 months I don't care, just please let this baby, our baby stay and grow inside me until he or she is able to survive without being in the womb. I beg to God to please not take our baby away! My husband doesn't know what to do besides lay beside me and hold me. I weep even harder because I feel like I'm letting him down. I'm supposed to be smiling, happy we are after all still very newly married. I don't want to disappoint him. His only concern of course is me and our child. He tells me it's going to be okay. He's got me. We have each other.




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